Active Constructive Responding
A few months ago, my husband Rick and I tried something new: Active Constructive Responding (ACR), a technique pioneered by Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology. The goal is to truly engage with your partner’s good news in a way that makes them feel seen, heard, and celebrated.
Sounds easy, right? Turns out, it’s not as natural as you might think.
I shared some exciting news, and Rick responded with, “Oh, that’s great!” Sincere, yes. Enthusiastic, sure. But I felt… underwhelmed. It didn’t feel like enough. I wanted more from the conversation, even though he was genuinely happy for me. It's called Passive Constructive Response.
Later, Rick shared something positive with me, and my response? A sarcastic remark. That’s what we call Active Destructive responding. I was trying to be funny, but the effect was anything but positive.
This was our introduction to ACR — and I realized that even with the best of intentions, it can be hard to get this right.
The Four Types of Responses
When your spouse or partner comes home with good news, how do you respond?
There are four ways to respond, categorized as Active, Passive, Constructive, and Destructive. Let’s break them down.
Let's say you got a promotion and a raise, came home, and shared with your partner.
Type of Response | Example Response | Explanation |
Active Constructive | “Wow, that’s amazing! Tell me more! What did your boss say? How did you feel when you first heard the news? What do you think the real reasons you got promoted are? What are the highest strengths that you've shown that have gotten you promoted? | This is the ideal response. It’s enthusiastic, engaging, and invites your partner to relive the experience. You’re not just celebrating with them—you’re helping them savour the moment. |
Passive Constructive | “Congratulations, dear. You deserve it.” | It’s positive, but passive. There’s no follow-up, no engagement. It feels like a polite acknowledgment, but it doesn’t deepen the conversation or the connection. |
Active Destructive | “Well, you know what tax bracket that’s going to put us in now, right?” | Actively negative, this response undermines the good news. Instead of celebrating, it focuses on potential downsides. This can be especially damaging to the connection. |
Passive Destructive | “What’s for dinner?” | This response is completely dismissive. It doesn’t acknowledge the good news at all and shifts the focus to something unrelated, leaving your partner feeling ignored. |
Why Active Constructive Responding Matters
Active Constructive Responding isn’t just about being polite—it’s about fostering a deep connection. When you respond actively and constructively, you’re creating a shared experience. It’s no longer just your partner’s good news; it becomes something the two of you can enjoy together.
This practice is worth the effort, even though it takes time to develop. When couples learn to respond in an active constructive way, research shows that love grows, intimacy increases, and divorce rates go down. The effects aren’t just limited to romantic relationships, either—ACR can strengthen friendships and even improve workplace dynamics.
A Personal Note on Gender Differences
When Rick and I talked about it afterward, we realized that Active Constructive Responding can feel harder for some men. The kind of emotional engagement it requires isn’t something that comes naturally in a lot of male friendships or relationships. But I think it’s worth practicing. Imagine how much deeper connections could become if we all took a moment to really engage with each other’s good news.
In many relationships, expressing emotions this way might not come naturally, but it’s absolutely worth trying. Imagine being able to share your successes with your partner and feeling not just acknowledged, but truly celebrated.
Putting It Into Practice
Next time your partner shares something positive, try Active Constructive Responding. Ask questions that help them relive the moment. Invite them to share more, to reflect on why it mattered. Celebrate with them.
You’ll be amazed at how much stronger your connection feels when you share these moments together.
