Transforming Relationships with Dilts’ Pyramid: From Inner Values to Outer Actions
Understanding Dilts’ Pyramid in Relationships
When couples struggle with intimacy and communication, it’s tempting to focus solely on what you can see - those day-to-day actions and behaviours. But lasting change goes much deeper. I often use Robert Dilts’ Logical Levels model to help couples understand that what you do is rooted in what you value, believe, and ultimately, who you are. Let’s explore how each layer affects the next and how we can create lasting change in relationships.
Dilts’ pyramid organizes our experience into several interconnected layers, and each layer is governed by the one above it:
Environment: This is the most visible level - it's everything around you, things and people, everything you can see and touch and interact with. It's the physical and social context in which we operate. It's your career, your body, the car your drive, what you had for breakfast. In a relationship, it might include your home, kids, your social circle, or how frequently you have sex. When couples come to counselling, it's because they see the problems in this layer, and that's what they want to change. We fight - we want to communicate better. We lost our sense of connection and intimacy - we want to improve it. And this is often where we start, but if we want to see a lasting change, we want to go through each layer of the pyramid, staring with the behaviours. We won't see a change in our environment, if we don't change what we do on a regular basis.
Behaviors: These are the day-to-day actions that make up your interactions. What do you do all day? If your house is messy and you want it clean, we have to start cleaning it on the regular basis to see a change. In relationships, think of it as the way you communicate, resolve conflicts, or show affection.
Capabilities (Skills): This layer encompasses the tools and techniques you have at your disposal. It's also about your capacity and ability. If you know what you have to do, but have no capacity to do it, or don't know how, it won't get done. I know I need to clean the house, but I'm working 80 hour weeks - it's just not going to happen. I know I need to work on letting go of the past resentment, hurts or heal past traumas - but I don't know how - then how would we even start? It might be obvious to you what your partner needs to do to change, but they might not have the skills. Learning skills like active listening, conflict resolution, and intimacy-building exercises is a part of this level.
Values and Beliefs: Here’s where things get really interesting. Your values determine your actions, your skill acquisition, and ultimately influence your environment. For example, if you value being the best partner you can be, that value should ideally lead to behaviours that foster intimacy. But if a limiting belief - like "I don’t deserve this" or "I can never enjoy sex"- is in the way, it can block the free flow of your values into real-life actions. If you value freedom over the relationship, you'll have a hard time when your partner asks you to stay home and do chores. If you don't value relationships, you won't decide to take a course or read a book to improve your relational skills.
Identity (or Roles we play): This is the core of who you are. Who am I? A mother/father, a wife/husband/partner, a daughter/son/sibling, a therapist, an athlete, an artist and so on. In a relationship, your sense of self influences how you approach intimacy and communication. How do you see your role as a lover? Is it a priority? Maybe it was when you first met, but now, 20 years and 3 kids later, it's just not there anymore. How do we bring it back? Changing this layer means redefining your role as a partner - seeing yourself as someone who prioritizes intimacy, is open to vulnerability, and values deep connection.
Spirituality or Purpose/Mission: At the top of the pyramid, this level relates to the overarching meaning or mission in life. For couples, this could be a shared vision or a deeper sense of connection that transcends everyday challenges. When we get stuck in day to day challenges, it's something we can hold on to, something bigger than us. Something that makes it worth it.
How Each Layer Impacts the Lower Ones
Values Influence Everything
Your values don’t just sit at the top; they ripple downward. Your values determine your actions, help you acquire skills, and eventually shape your environment. For example, if you value being an attentive, loving partner, that value should inspire you to learn better communication skills, express your affection more openly, and create an environment where intimacy can flourish. However, if you harbour a limiting belief - like "I don’t deserve to be loved" or "I can’t enjoy sex"- then that block can prevent your values from manifesting in the material world. Your actions may not align with your true desires, leaving you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns.
The Starting Point: Not the Environment
It’s natural to want to change what’s visible - the environment or behaviours. However, that’s not where transformation begins. The lowest layer, the environment, is simply what you can see in the material world: the people around you, the physical space, or quality of your connection. But your environment won’t change until your behavior does. And your behaviour won’t change unless you have the skills to do so. You won't even focus on it, unless it’s supported by shifts in values, beliefs, and ultimately, identity. If you lack the skills or are held back by defense mechanisms or limiting beliefs, then even the best behavioural advice won’t stick. We need to work higher up the pyramid - to develop a new identity as a partner, as a person who chooses openness and vulnerability. If you want to work in intimacy, you want to work on your identity as a sexual being, as someone who prioritizes intimacy, and says yes to pleasure.
Your mission impacts your Identity, and the Roles you play. Your Identity shapes your values and beliefs that will guide you skill development, your competencies and capabilities. Your skills will drive your behaviour - and all of it impacts your environment, and what you see around you in your daily life.
A Hypothetical Journey: Meet Jamie and Alex
Let’s bring these ideas to life with a story. Jamie and Alex, a couple in their mid-thirties, found themselves stuck in a frustrating cycle. They loved each other, but communication had become strained and intimacy was lacking. Every time Jamie tried to initiate a conversation about their feelings or physical closeness, Alex would retreat. At first glance, it seemed like the problem was simply a lack of communication skills.
In our sessions, we dug a little deeper. Jamie revealed that she deeply valued being seen as the most loving and supportive partner, yet she held the belief that she wasn’t really “good enough” to deserve a fulfilling, passionate relationship. Alex, on the other hand, had grown up with the idea that vulnerability was a sign of weakness, which made it incredibly hard for him to open up. Their environment - marked by a routine that left little room for spontaneous connection - reflected these inner struggles.
We started by exploring their values and beliefs. Jamie worked on reframing her belief from “I don’t deserve this” to recognizing that her desire for intimacy was not only valid but vital for both partners. Alex began to see vulnerability as a strength that could build deeper trust. As these underlying beliefs shifted, so did their behaviours.
Jamie started expressing her needs more openly, and Alex gradually practiced sharing his feelings without fear. Over time, these new behaviours transformed their shared environment: their home became a place of warmth and openness, and intimacy became more frequent and fulfilling.
By the end of our work together, both Jamie and Alex had developed a new identity as partners who valued connection and were willing to be vulnerable. They weren’t just changing the surface behaviours—they were reshaping the very core of their relationship.
Conclusion
The Dilts Pyramid reminds us that while the environment is the most visible part of our lives, lasting change starts much higher up. When it comes to intimacy and communication in relationships, it’s not enough to focus solely on what you can see or do. You need to look at your values, challenge limiting beliefs, and rebuild your identity as someone who embraces vulnerability and connection.
If you’re a couple struggling to break free from old patterns, remember: change begins at the core. By realigning your inner world - your beliefs, values, and identity - you can unlock new behaviours, acquire essential skills, and ultimately transform your environment into one that truly reflects the intimacy and communication you desire.
