How Couples Can Use Dilts Pyramid to Transform Their Relationship

Last week, I introduced Dilts' Pyramid as a model for change and transformation. Today, I want to share a process I use with couples to help them gain clarity and create a relationship that feels loving and fulfilling for both partners.

Use this guide to explore your relationship at every level of the Dilts' Pyramid (Logical Levels of Change). Each level builds on the one below, creating deep and lasting change. Reflect together on how you want your relationship to grow. 

1. Environment – The Space Around Us

What changes do we want to see in our daily life?

• How does our home and routine support or challenge our relationship?

• What small shifts in our environment could make our connection stronger?

• How can we create more space for quality time, intimacy, and fun?

2. Behaviour – Our Actions & Habits

What behaviours would we have to change?

• How do we show up for each other daily?

• What behaviours bring us closer? What pushes us apart?

• What is one small habit we can commit to that would improve our relationship?

3. Capabilities & Skills – What We Need to Learn

What skills do we need?

• What communication skills would help us resolve conflicts better?

• How can we improve emotional regulation and self-awareness in tough moments?

• What skills do we need to build deeper intimacy, trust, and playfulness?

4. Beliefs & Values – Our Inner World

Any limiting beliefs? What values guide us?

• What beliefs about love, marriage, or intimacy might be holding us back?

• What shared values do we want to center in our relationship?

• How do we honour each other’s core needs and beliefs?

5. Identity – Who We Are in the Relationship

What identity do I need to develop? What roles need to be strengthened?

• How do I see myself in this relationship? How do I see you?

• Am I showing up as the partner I want to be?

• What roles (partner, lover, friend, parent, etc.) do we want to nurture and grow?

6. Purpose – The Bigger Picture

What’s our bigger purpose here?

• What is the deeper “why” behind our relationship?

• How do we contribute to something bigger - our family, community, or personal growth?

• What kind of love story do we want to create together?

Reflection & Action

• What’s one key takeaway from this conversation?

• What is one change we can commit to today?

This guide is meant to be revisited over time. As you grow, your answers will evolve. Let this be a tool for deeper connection and shared vision in your relationship.