Sex Psychoeducation: What You Need to Know
Let’s Talk About Sex—Really Talk About It
As a sex therapist, I work with many couples who have strong, loving relationships but still struggle in the bedroom. It’s not uncommon, and often it’s because of myths or unrealistic expectations around sex that can create unnecessary pressure. Let’s break down some of these misconceptions and get real with practical, compassionate sex education.
1. Orgasms Aren’t Just About Penetration
Fewer than 30% of women reach orgasm from penetration alone. If that’s not working for you or your partner, know that nothing’s wrong—this is incredibly common. The real issue is the belief that penetration should always lead to orgasm. For most women, clitoral stimulation is essential. The key is to recognize and honor what works for your body.
2. There’s No “Right” Timeline for Orgasm
How long should it take to reach orgasm? There’s no set timeline. Men, on average, take 3-5 minutes with direct penile stimulation, while women often need closer to 25-30 minutes of clitoral stimulation. This difference is natural. Everyone’s experience is unique, and there’s no need to rush. Creativity and patience go a long way here.
3. Desire Isn’t Always Spontaneous
Desire doesn’t always come out of nowhere, especially for women and often after menopause. Sometimes, we don’t know we want sex until we’re already engaged in intimacy. This happens to men too. What’s important is recognizing that you don’t need to feel spontaneous desire for sex to be meaningful or satisfying.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, explains that many women experience “responsive desire,” where the interest in sex grows after physical touch or connection begins. This is a normal and valid way of experiencing desire.
4. Willingness is Enough
Sometimes, the only thing you need to bring to a sexual encounter is willingness. You don’t have to be in the mood from the start—often, you’ll get there once you begin. There’s no need for fireworks right away, and there’s no shame in simply showing up open to the experience.
5. It’s Only a Problem If It’s Causing Distress
If something isn’t bothering you or your partner, it’s not a problem. Where people run into trouble is when they start thinking something is “wrong” because it doesn’t align with what they see in the media or hear from others. For example, it’s normal not to reach orgasm every time. Needing a toy to enhance pleasure is perfectly fine too. The goal is to focus on what feels good for you rather than fitting into a preconceived mold.
6. Expand Your Definition of “Sex”
We need to broaden our idea of what sex can be. There are many ways to be intimate that don’t involve penetration, and these are just as valid. Referring to everything outside of penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex as "foreplay" minimizes how satisfying and intimate these experiences can be. Same-sex couples don’t follow these definitions, which is another reason to rethink how we define sex.
7. Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Comparison serves no purpose when it comes to sex. Sexual preferences, function, and desires vary from person to person. What matters most is what works for you and your partner, not some idealized notion of what sex should be. Keep in mind, people often exaggerate or even lie about their sex lives. Focus on your own journey.
8. Your Orgasm, Your Responsibility
This might sound counterintuitive, but everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. While it's wonderful to share pleasure with a partner, it's not their job to “make” you orgasm. Instead, think of it as a collaboration. Open communication about what you enjoy is key, but expecting your partner to be a mind-reader isn’t fair to anyone
.
9. Self-Pleasure is Key
Self-exploration is an important aspect of sexual health. Knowing your own body helps you understand what brings you pleasure. It’s also one of the most reliable ways to achieve orgasm. Whether you’re learning about yourself or exploring ways to enhance intimacy with a partner, self-pleasure is a valuable tool.
10. Self-Pleasure Doesn’t Mean There’s a Problem
Partners often feel insecure if their significant other masturbates, but it’s important to recognize that self-pleasure is normal and healthy. It’s not a reflection of your relationship or a sign of rejection. Instead, think of it as another way to experience pleasure and connection to one’s body.
Resources for Further Reading:
Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski (a fantastic resource on understanding sexual desire and variability).
The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides (a straightforward, comprehensive guide to sex education).
Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto (on the connection between mindfulness and sexual desire).
Sexual health is deeply personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. The most important thing is to explore what works best for you and your partner—without judgment or comparison. Take your time, communicate openly, and remember that sexual connection comes in many forms.
